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Starting My Diary

Starting my diary today. It’s a good idea cuz’ it’ll help me remember stuff and when I have kids they’ll be able to read through it and learn all about my exciting life. I won’t be around to tell them myself like because I hate kids and the doctor says it’s only a matter of time before I have a heart attack, or an accident and kill myself.


Dad’s got a pond in the garden, dunno’ what for because he hates fish, He told me to go out and feed them while he was out shopping. Was boiling outside so I went and had a crafty little dip… should have put pants on because I think the carp thought my knob was bait.

I tried to get out but I quite liked it, it was like a fish pedicure except it was for your cock and bollocks not your feet. The woman next door was staring, must have been jealous like.

Dad came back from shopping with Mom, she started screaming as usual… she hadn’t seen me yet, she just does it for no reason cuz’ she’s on edge all the time. Dad says it’s my fault and that if I do anything else I’ll have to move back into my old house enit.


Realised then that I should probably get out the pond, it was too small anyway and I think the carp were dying.

I stood up, could see the lady next door putting washing out on the line. She made a gasping noise and tried to poke her own eyes out with a clothes peg. I don’t know why, I was only naked like. And you can’t really see my fronty work and hanging sack because my belly’s in the way.

“What the fuck are you doing Keith?!” shouted Dad.

Mom didn’t say anything, she just ran upstairs screaming, fucked all the shopping on the floor first.

I didn’t know what to say like, I wanted to play it cool.

“Fishin’ bud” I said.

“What? Naked?! Get the fuck out before someone sees you!”

The woman next door shouted “too late”, and then she said she was going to complain to the council because she was sick of it.

I tried to tell her I was sorry but when I opened my mouth all pond water dribbled out… Don’t know why because I don’t even remember swallowing any.

Dad came over and grabbed my arm, pulled me out and told me to get dry. The woman next door said there was a fish stuck to my back and that it looked scared, I told her so was I because I couldn’t feel my ballbag, and was worried the carp might have gotten a bit too excited like.

Dad tried to put his hand over my mouth and I threw up, I throw up easily because I’m sensitive. I know he doesn’t wash his hands after he’s been the toilet because he’s a scruffy cunt and I eat all the hand soap.





Starting Work

We pulled up outside the library, normally you have to have an induction, but Fanny said I looked thick enough to be a builder and they wouldn’t ask questions.

He lent me some boots and a hat and a vest and told me to follow him.

We got inside, Fanny fucked off… It was just me and the black man.




I was having a bad day so far. I had something clogging my turd passage and the hard hat didn’t fit my big brummagem head properly like. It sort of wobbled on the top, if I turned too quickly it span round.


I went out to the cabin anyway like, it was proper muddy. Saw Fanny behind the cabin having a smoke.

“Alright Keith! How’s it going lad?”

“Bit okay Fanny, I dunno’ what to do like…”

“Call me Francis mate, follow me, we’ll crack on near the plant room just up there.”

He pointed to the top floor. Never seen a plant room before like, I suppose it’s where Leroy grows weed.


We got up there and Fanny asked me to mix the plaster. I told him that I didn’t know what plaster was and that I was frightened.

He just kept laughing because he thought I was joking, he said to me:

“Knock a load up in that tub and we’ll start when I get back.”

He just fucked off again after that.

I took my phone out, I wanted to know what Dad told Fanny like.

It rang then it went to voicemail. I left a message saying that I didn’t know what to do and that Fanny was putting too much pressure on me… Then I told him Leroy’s sandwiches had gone up my arse and that I wanted to kill myself because I hated work.

He rang back afterwards.

“What are you doing Keith?”

“Hate work like, Fanny keeps leaving me on my own…” I said.

“Just do as your told you big lumpy tit,”

Then he told me he had to go because Mom was messing about with some rope in the other room.


I proper hated this like, I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t lift the bag of plaster so I just ripped it open and spread the powder onto the floor.  I tried to read the back of the bag after that but somebody had drawn a big cock over the instructions. I wouldn’t mind like but it didn’t even look like a cock.

There was water in a bucket, I scooped some of the powder into the bucket, but it was all runny and wouldn’t mix. There was a load of sawdust in the corner like so I put some of it in too.


It didn’t look right to be fair bud, it looked a bit like sick. There was a big black hair floating in it too, it weren’t mine cuz’ it was curly.

Might have been a pube to be fair bud.


Some supervisor came around the corner, I had plaster all over my face. I don’t know why he came straight to me though like.

“Everything okay here mate?” He asked

“Yeah. Ta’ra a bit”

I thought I could just walk away but he saw through my plans and followed me.

“What? What are you doing here?”

“Plastring, enit like”

“Right, well keep your work space tidy, you shouldn’t be making this sort of a mess, who are you with?” He asked.

I just said “Fanny.”

He looked at me funny then he said “Wait here, I’ll be back in a second”.

I remember Dad saying the same thing in Sainsbury’s car park when I was a kid. He just got in the car and fucked off like…



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